Shepherd Men's Lacrosse Coach Resigns

March 27^th-  Joe King resigned as head coach of the men’s lacrosse team. King cited a lack of funding and the fact that the school did not actually have a team as a reason for his resignation.

“It’s very hard to get to the practice field and direct any kind of gameplan when you don’t actually have anyone to execute it or listen to you. I’d just be out there waiting for people to show up and practice, but no one ever did. Although one time I almost had a practice when a few members showed up, but it turned out they were vagabonds and panhandlers, so I gave them each five dollars.”

“I was told coming to Shepherd I’d be a big fish in a small pond, but I found it even more troubling when I realized there was no pond here at all.”

The sudden step-down came as a surprise to the whole campus.

“Men’s lacrosse? We don’t have a team. That’s a shame, though. Poor guy,” said Anita Room.

“I’d walk by the intermural fields to classes, and he’d be out there with a whistle by himself. He’d talk to himself a lot. One day the campus police even asked him to leave. When he said he was the men’s lacrosse coach, the officer arresting him laughed and said ‘Yes, and I’m Santa Claus’,” said Jack Pott.

King claims the whole thing is just a big miscommunication and plans to get back on his feet when he moves back home to Bitter Springs, West Virginia.

“Hopefully next time I go to coach at a school I’ll do more research and find out if they actually have a team. I should probably Google these things or check a school’s athletic site before accepting a position. You live and you learn.”

Shepherd officials deny any knowledge of hiring King and have issued a restraining order, asking that he not come within three miles of campus.