Monday, September 9, 2013

Video Breakdown: Wrecking Ball

It has come upon my attention that one Miley Cyrus has released a new music video. It is entitled "Wrecking Ball." After watching it, I wish I had written in black sharpie on my hand "Don't watch 'Wrecking Ball'........ever." Then I wish a wrecking ball would come by and hit me into yesterday, so when someone alerted me to Cyrus' new "masterpiece", I could refer to my hand for assistance. But alas, I cannot undo what has been done and must delve into my thinking process during viewing of this monstrosity. Read if you like. Watch if you dare.

:02- Her face is way to close. Like, seriously...too close. Get out of my bubble, Miley. But she has a tear, so this MUST be a serious song. I suppose her intentions are to tug at my heart strings and show me a level of depth not seen before from ass-shaking and pseudo sexing in "We Can't Stop". It also might be redemption for her travesty that was the MTV VMA's performance.

:08- She begins her singing, but all I can focus on is that strand of saliva that connects her upper set of teeth to the lower. Isn't there editing software for that? It's truly distracting.

:33- She is against a wall with a sledgehammer. Well ok then. Nothing to see here. These high definition cameras would be better served had they been used on legitimately cool effects or visuals, and not a scantily-clad, Robin Thick-fakesexing Miley Cyrus.

:47- So she's in a super tiny tanktop and white bikini bottoms. Because when you want to have a "power ballad" single and be taken seriously...YOU CAN'T BE BOTHERED WITH BEING FULLY DRESSED.

:48- Wow, it took this long for her mouth to touch an object? Poor sledgehammer.

:54- The wrecking ball crashes into one of three walls in this random industrial looking set. I also have no idea what she's singing about yet- I am still trying to process the odd mix of visuals.

1:00- I have determined this song is about a boy (shocker) and how he has affected her emotionally. She approached their love in an aggressive fashion like that of a wrecking ball. You know- when wrecking balls are romanced. Then her boyfriend "wrecked" her emotions by treating her like poop. Ok, NOW I get it.

1:03- Cyrus sits atop the wrecking ball, straddling the chain. Poor wrecking ball. Nothing is safe from Miley's crotch. I just Googled "wrecking ball sexual harassment." I have determined it does not exist.

1:15- And the gloves come off. And by gloves I mean clothes. Yes, Miley is now fully naked on said wrecking ball, snapping her neck backwards to convey----well I have no idea what grinding a wrecking ball fully naked conveys. A lust for demolishing, or being a home-wrecker?

1:24- She is now beginning to fellate the sledgehammer again. Hard to tell if it has consented, since it's a sledgehammer. I hope it was tested after the video was over.

1:32- She continues to switch from naked, to scantily-clad. Neither in her case is particularly appealing...but damn it- make up your mind.

2:23- The video continues with her making sexual gyrations, mouth movements and going from naked to scantily-clad some more. Her "serious" and "intense" expressions during her up-close face shots need work. Actually they may be fine- it's just her desperate desire for attention via sex takes away any semblance of seriousness. I've never seen a female with so little (or no) clothing and been less turned on before. Why did I eat right before this?!

3:09- The ball continues to smash (literally, not sexually) and Cyrus lies on top of the rubble in her white attire- which cannot be comfortable. She begins slapping her display frustration? Anger? Some sort of love of physical punishment?

3:16- "I just closed my eyes and swung" is sung. I wish I would have closed my eyes at 0.00 of this video and kept them shut for the duration. Put this video on a loop in a room and have someone be forced to watch it  for hours. THAT'S punishment.

At the end of the video, it says "Directed by Terry Richardson." I have no idea who that is, but directing a video of one location with one person alternating from clothed to naked while performing very suggestive acts cannot be that difficult. The hard part is putting up with Cyrus' needs for attention and desire to exude some sort of post-Disney sexual maturity.

While Brittany Spears and Christina Aguilera  came into their own and exuded sexuality with their videos and performances years ago, they never came across as desperate for attention or nearly as repulsive as Cyrus carries herself. While I am not a fan of Spears or Aguilera, they showed and continue to show their musical talent is what got them to where they are- not just their physical traits. Miley seems to fit the mold of YouTubers and Vine makers in this day and age- they'll do anything for attention and tell others it made them into a star. "Bad publicity is better than no publicity" seems to be the rallying cry for the youth in 2013.

Sex sells- but it doesn't make you into an adult, Miley. Her understanding of this is what will either make or break her as a singles star. At this point it seems very unlikely she'll change her tune- in more ways than one.

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