Kai....SMASH!

This video will forever change your life. 

Move over, Sweet Brown. Ain’t nobody got time for you anymore because hatchet-wielding Kai is here. This week, the video has become one of the more popular ones due to the intense nature of the sequence of events that led to Kai’s new fame. We all know what this means.

It’s time for a video breakdown.

First notice the title- “Homeless Hitchhiker (Kai) Saves Woman From Jesus Attack With Hatchet”.

Reading this without any context could make one believe that the Son of God has returned after thousands of years of dormancy, not to bring us all to judgment but to attack a single woman with a bear hug. Yeah, definitely sounds like W.J.W.D.

0:04: Kai is asked by the reporter to discuss what happened to which he replies, “What do you want to talk about?” with a shrug.

Oh I don’t know Kai- how about your sports prognostication skills? When will the Cubs win the pennant? What did you think of the Super Bowl? Who does your hair? Wait no, let’s try talking about that whole “Guy who thought he was Jesus trying to run over a man, then getting out and attacking a woman leading to you killing him with a conveniently- placed hatchet.”

0:18: “I want to say no matter what you done, you deserve respect. Even if you make mistakes, you loveable. And it doesn’t matter your looks, age , size, skills or anything- you’re worthwhile.”

Well we have already gotten to the moral of the story, Kai. Thank you and good night. Notice I typed it just as he said it. Why? Kai ain’t got no time for correct grammar. He’s the hatchet-wielding anti-Christ.

0:25-1:09: He goes on to curse and explain a story of this Jesus fellow being thirty years old and having relations with a fourteen year old girl, and then sets us up for the initial collision between the Jesus fellow’s car and the victim.

1:07: “Freight train riders know this. If you get pinned between something, do not (bleeping) move.”

Yea, wannabe freight train riders. You best edjumacate yourself. Don’t move if a car pins you- you know, while you are riding a freight train.

1:38: After setting the scene, he describes his reaction to the Jesus fellow’s actions, “I ran up behind him and SMASH! SMASH! SMASSSSSSH! Yeaaa. (Bleep) his cool. That guy ain’t. (Bleeeeep).”  

Well ok then.

2:01: “How’d you get in his car?”- Reporter bro.

Excuse me, Reporter bro- Kai is a HITCHHIKER. Next.

“People say don’t hitchhike. Good thing I was hitchhiking.”

Parents, never deter your children from this fruitful activity.

2:22: And your name?

“Kai. K-A-I. Straight outta dogtown.”

Last name?

“Naw, bro. I don’t have anything.”

Yeah that’s right. They took his house, his car, his family and his last name. Wait until 2020 when he is the “Artist Formerly Known as Kai.”

2:30: After asked his age, he replies “I can’t call it.”

It’s not a judgment, Kai. It’s a number, as in years you have been alive. Unless he believes his age possesses a cell phone and has blocked Kai’s number. Or maybe they took his age, too. He’ll never be able to see PG-13 movies, or legally smoke and drink. Truly tragic.

2:39: “So he’s dead. Good.”

The most peaceful killer since….well, never. Kai won’t be losing any sleep on the park bench tonight.

2:53: When asked if he had ever experienced anything like that before, he replies, “Well this one time…”

Normally after you are involved in an event which involves a man claiming to be Jesus running down an innocent man and attacking a woman, then killing the man claiming to be Jesus, and someone asks you about a situation similar to that, you would go, “Nope, never I have I ever seen anything as crazy  as this.” But you are NOT Kai. Only someone with the life experiences of Kai could nonchalantly and without hesitation bring up a similar experience. What matters is not what he said after, but the fact he had an immediate answer at all. Without flinching. At all.

By the way, this second story ends with Kai smashing a woman-abusing man. EVERY story ends with Kai smashing a woman-abusing man. You know what happens at the end of Fifty Shades of Grey? Kai walks in and attacks whichever guy is having sex by smashing him in the head.

4:10: After a longwinded explanation of what happened after said headsmash, Kai begins to tell us what happened post-headsmash.

“Somebody said he was like masturbating in front of this school.”

Who wrote this story? A perverted Michael Bay?  It’s twists and turns are more erratic than a hormonal pregnant female. OF COURSE Jesus would get up and walk in front of a school and begin pleasuring himself. That’s W.J.W.D. if attacked with a hatchet after running over a man and attacking a woman.

4:54: “It’s like the biggest wave I have ever ridden in my life.”

One would begin to think of this in the figurative sense. But Kai does not live in a figurative or literal way. For all we know, he might have seriously thought he was surfing the whole time while being cheered on.

5:00: “What’s next for you, Kai?”

“Hopefully some surfing.” – Kai

After the end of the Super Bowl, the winning quarterback is always asked this question, to which he replies, “Disney World!” This is Kai’s Super Bowl, and his hatchet skills came in first overall at the Hitchhiking combine.  Hitchhikers don’t do Disneyland, Reporter bro. They surf.

5:09: “Would you do it again?”

“If someone gave me a time machine…” –Kai

Stop. Right. There. Someone give this man a time machine. Kai might have prevented both World Wars, Vietnam, the Bubonic plague, 9/11 had he gone back in time. Heck, maybe dinosaurs would still be around.

5:40: “I don’t have any family. As far as I’m concerned, I’m already dead.”

Of course you don’t , Kai. You just appeared on the earth one day.  You are most certainly not dead, either. You are fully alive, and now a Youtube legend. Congratulations. Now go surf.