Saturday, January 23, 2016

The Blizzard 2016 Running Diary

8:22 AM: A little more than a dusting covers the ground while a harsh wind permeates the air. It may not be here yet, but this is all I can think of:

8:45 AM: Yep, still nothing substantial.  Despite this, Virginia drivers prove they still have no clue how to drive when merely threatened by bad weather. Thursday's inch was only a preview:

In their defense, roads were not prepped at all.

9:38 AM: At the grocery store, a customer pulls out their checkbook a midst a massive line that borders on a mob. I hit their checkbook out of their hands and add a Dikembe Mutumbo finger wave as I mouth, "no". They look at me astonished, and the rest of the shoppers look at me as a hero.

10:03 AM: Customer: Do you have ice melt?

Me: No.

10:04 AM: Customer: Do you have ice melt?

Me: Non.

10:05 AM: Customer: Do you have ice melt?

Me: Nein.

10:06 AM: Customer: Do you have ice melt?

Me: Ne.

(Repeated that dialogue 500 more times over the course of the next few hours.)

1:01 PM:  According to my sources*, it is, in fact, snowing.

*58 girls over Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. Reports indicate the scene outside is " a winter wonderland," "OMG so pretty", "totes adorbs" and  "what I've been waiting for all winter". Those in the field are battling such conditions by drinking their favorite beverage while under a soft blanket and watching Netflix.

3:08 PM: Finally home, I binge watch the rest of Making a Murderer. I feel fully capable that I could represent a wrongfully convicted person in the court of law.

::looks into law schools online::

3:10 PM: If I see one more photo of a yardstick....

3:13 PM: The news confirms everything we already know. I have prepared my own advice for you to avoid watching the redundant newscasts:

3:34 PM: Neighboring child rings doorbell.

Child: Do you want to build-


4:13 PM: According to my sources* in Florida and Texas, it is, in fact, not snowing there.

* Friends via social media with such groundbreaking updates like "don't miss Virginia" and "No snow here".

 8:13 PM: Time for the first round of shoveling. Bundled up with the mobility of the Michelin Man, I am ready to do this.

8:16 PM: I am in no way prepared to do this.

8:17 PM: So THIS is why people have kids.

8:18 PM: ::Looks at flamethrowers on Ebay::

8:24 PM: ::Prays a full Rosary::

8:23 PM: Back outside, a neighbor waves to me. Cannot make eye contact, or the guilt to assist them will weigh heavily on my soul.

8:24 PM: ::Makes eye contact:: Shit.

8:24 PM:  ::assists overly talkative neighbor::

::contemplates burying self in snow to end it::

::contemplates burying neighbor in snow to end it::

8:34 PM: I can't feel my face when I'm with you, because we're shoveling. #thisweekend

8:45 PM: Finishes assisting without committing homicide.

9:13 PM: I have now been away from my phone for a full hour. ::scratches neck nervously:: ::trembles::

9:38 PM: Round one is complete. But this may be how I die. ::hops on WebMD::

9:54 PM: Concludes it is just a back spasm and not imminent death. Self medication includes Icy Hot and alcohol.

10:03 PM: I've seen so much white while shoveling, I can't even look in the mirror for the rest of the weekend.

*More updates as they become available.

Like it? Love it? Hate it? Let me know @SeanNeutron.

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